It’s been 6 months. 6 months since I’ve seen my Daddy. 6 months since I’ve heard his voice. 6 months with no hugs. 6 Months. My first birthday without my Daddy has come and gone. No call. No card. So many days I catch myself picking up the phone to call and tell him what’s going on with my children, or ask for advice, only to realize he won’t be on the other end of the line.
So many people have told me that it will get easier in time. Well, I don’t believe you. I don’t think this will ever be easier. I may be able to conceal the pain or act in an acceptable manner, but no sir, this will not get easier.
I AM ANGRY! I am angry about the way he died. I am angry about the time lost. I am angry that he will never see his grandchildren graduate or get married. I am angry that he had to suffer in the way he did. I am angry that his family had to sit helplessly by as the man I thought would never die, faded away day by day until his body couldn’t hold out any longer. ANGRY! What a cruel way for God to take him. Lord help me, I AM ANGRY!
And yet, in all my hurt and anger, I hear whispers of love from this same God. I hear you God. I hear you in Sunday Sermons, letting me know it’s okay that I am angry and don’t really feel like praying right now. I hear you when a wise friend reminds me that you can take my anger. I hear you, I just need to be angry right now.
Truth is, you never promised this life would be easy if we followed you. Truth is, you told us exactly the opposite. This world is unfair and harsh, but you, you My God, are truth, light, love, understanding, patient, caring, merciful in all your ways. You paid the price for my sins in the most cruel and terrible fashion. As another wise friend once said, “If it was good enough for God, what makes you think you deserve better.”
So I am gonna be angry for a minute, I can’t seem to help it right now. I am also going to continue to follow you and draw closer to you. I am going to TRUST you and your word. I am going to keep praying that you take this pain and anger from me so that I can continue to be used by you. I am also going to quit beating myself up for having feelings I don’t think you would like. You made me. You knit me in my mothers womb and you knew before I was even born that this day would happen. In fact, you knew I’d be sitting here typing at this very moment. I know you can handle anything I can dish out at you, including and not limited to my pain and anger right now.
Thank you God, for loving me just as I am and holding me close, even as I battle you every step of the way. Thank you for holding on to the other end of that one thread I keep tightly tied to my waist (you know, like a parachute when I launch myself off the cliff) when all the others unravel. Thank You. I love you (even if I am angry right now)
itsagodthang 